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The Perfect Guide to a College Application

Some will tell you that it helps to retain the services of a college advisor who will guide you through the application process and make everything as stress-free as possible. This is as far from the truth as is humanly possible. It is a well-known fact that nine out of every ten college advisors are really just alien visitors (primarily Venus, but you have to watch out for Pluto on occasion) who are all trying to steal your money from behind your back. As for the one out of ten? Don’t worry. All you need to do is follow these very simple steps, and you will get accepted into college in no time.

Most people will tell you to visit the colleges you are thinking about, to get a feel for whether they are a good fit for you. This advice is absolutely false. You do not need to conduct a search at all, just submit an application to USADNC (the University of Sitting Around and Doing Nothing, California). With their astounding variety of three majors, USADNC will prepare any individual for a successful career. Just ask USADNC alumnae Kim Kardashian, one of the brightest minds of her generation.

A common myth of submitting the application is that you need to include test grades and transcripts to demonstrate your intellect and academic prowess. However, a 1600 on the SAT or a 4.00 GPA just makes the student look like an overambitious, irritating know-it-all, and you should avoid these accomplishments like the plague. Make sure that those high school transcripts never get higher than a C-, and if they exceed that grade, bribe your guidance counselor to change it- this method has a 79% success rate. If that does not work either, kidnap and hold them for ransom—this method is highly recommended by 85% of America’s college professors.

And while you are at it, don’t even bother with listing any of your special achievements, such as that one time you built a fully-functioning robot for a science fair or cured a food shortage in a third-world nation. Admissions offices hate that stuff. You do not want to come across as a pretentious overachiever. Give the impression that you are a natural couch potato with zero interest in the world around you, and the application completes itself. Why else would the initials of ‘Apathetic Professional’ come out to AP?

Many college applications ask for your intended major. It is not necessary to declare one this early in the game, but if you have to, flip a coin. If it comes up heads, go with Psychology. If it comes up tails, go with Russian Literature. Studies show that these are the two most popular majors among American colleges, and it is always better to submit to peer pressure and conformity—individualism is overrated anyway. It does not matter whether these majors align with your personal goals and interests—you want to get paid, don’t you?

Many college essays ask for a lengthy essay explaining why you fit the values the college desires. But this is completely unnecessary. All you need to do is copy and paste this exact phrase, and you will have the perfect essay: “Swag money. YOLO.” There is no need to worry about length requirements or giving any specifics—just copy those three words, and you will have no worries.

Additionally, there is no need to worry about how much the college will cost. To put things precisely: the more expensive, the better. So what if you finish college in a massive state of crippling debt? That builds character.

Many have expressed over the decades how nerve-wracking and overwhelming the application process is, but this is an over-exaggeration. True, applying to colleges without a clear plan can be disastrous, but if you simply follow the above directions, you will receive that lucky acceptance letter in no time. All you need to do is comply with these infallible guidelines, and remember the college motto of USADNC: “Hugs, not drugs.” Good luck!